Have I Got a Deal For You

7 August 2015

Ambassador Dr. Machivenyika Mapuranga

Embassy of the Republic of Zimbabwe

1608 New Hampshire Avenue NW

Washington, DC 20009

Dear Ambassador Mapuranga:

This is your lucky day. Circumstances have befallen our two countries which we may never see again. Yes, initially what has happened can be defined as a tragedy. However, inside of every tragedy is an opportunity. Never let a good crisis go to waste.

As I am sure you are aware, an American dentist, I do not wish to offer him name recognition, killed Cecil the Lion in a shameless manner. It is clear by internet reaction that whoever shall punish the Dentist shall be held in very high esteem. You could be the Ambassador from the most popular country on the planet by the end of August.

Imagine for a moment a scenario where Zimbabwe is the most popular nation on the planet. I bet you never even considered that as a child. Like all successful people you must have had powerful dreams and life goals but this opportunity is for beyond the imagination of a younger you. To pull this off, all we need is a little help from the Philippines.

The Philippines you ask?? Yes, the Philippines. Here is how it will work:

The Philippines is loaded with minerals. There are two problems. They have no mining expertise and they are beset by graft. More on the graft part in a second.

Zimbabwe has the largest chromium reserves on the planet. That did not happen by accident. It happened because your nation has worked hard at literacy which in turn became mining expertise.

So you approach the Philippines’ government offering mining expertise at a small discount. Please notice I said “small”. You are only after one target therefore do not give away the store. In return for discounted mining expertise, they send you Fredrick Brennan, aka Hotwheels, aka the guy who stains the planet via 8chan, aka the international child pornography advocate that we want in the United States.

Is Mr. Brennan really that bad?? Yes he is. So bad that we asked government officials to include him in the Trans Pacific Partnership deal. However, those talks recently broke down.

Plan B was to just pay off the Philippines Government for him. However, remember the graft thing?? We offer, he counter offers. It has become a bidding war filled with madness. You would think the Philippines would want to dump a child porn advocate but money talks louder.

Plan C is to go to the FBI as the Philippines Embassy has requested. That is in motion but I need a Plan D. You are our Plan D. I bet you are asking yourself, “How did I get so lucky??” Fortune favors the bold.

So you export mining expertise and you receive Mr. Brennan. I cannot seem to find anywhere in your country’s laws where this would be a problem. You turn around and send us Mr. Brennan. We in turn, by hook or by crook, send you the Dentist. Remember the Dentist?? We only have this opportunity because of the Dentist. Everybody wins and we all celebrate with bowls of Rice Krispies – it’s an inside joke.

Once you get the Dentist, do whatever you like. Locking him up in a game preserve for a month without a weapon could be highly entertaining. At the very worse, you will have a reality tv show on your hands. People who did not even know you existed before the tragic assignation of Cecil the Lion will be flying your country’s flag and singing your national anthem. Imagine how many times you will see your country’s colors on Facebook and Twitter. If your country has produced a “boy band” or young virgin girl acting promiscuously type singing act, this would be the moment to send them to the United States. All this can be had just for mining expertise.

Should it be the case that you need a little more from our side or their side, let me know. I’m sure something can be worked out.

Thank You for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,

Robert T. Oliveira

763 Mary Street

Utica, NY 13501

315-765-9378